I’m not in a mood to write anything but this is the only place where I can write (read scream) anything I want. I don’t wanna tell this to world as I don’t want them gloating over my issues.
This is not meant for regular readers as it is not a blog. It is just me blabbering about my problems. However I’m not gonna password protect it so that you could know about the other side of people (read snakes) these days.
Snakes don’t hiss anymore. They call you baby, bro or friend.
How hard is it to love me? By “me” here I’m referring to the real “ME” not my worth or my perks.
They say that, “More you give, more you get in return.” I wonder why I ain’t got nothing yet.
You can see me writing about love, spreading smiles or the message of love. All I have ever done is to love without any reason. Yet, I never found somebody who could love me half as much as I love them.
It’s not that I haven’t had any encounters with love, I’ve had a few but, only to be defeated in that. Iv’e been defeated so many times and so badly that I somewhat fear falling in love.
Well, it’s not exactly that I fear falling in love. I am in love with many things in this world. I love animals, I love nature, I love my family, I love my friends (although I have a few). What I do fear, however, is falling so deeply in love with someone and investing my life into theirs only to discover that they don’t feel the same about me. To me, it’s like you’re dead but still breathing and you can never recover from it no matter how hard you try. You know what’s scariest? You never know if you are falling for the wrong person. No one has an identification tag on them, apparently. That’s what I’m really afraid of.
I’ve been beaten so many times that I find it too hard to trust someone now.
In one way, you can say that I’ve given up on love, until I find someone who helps me regain my faith in it.
I’m half sure that no one can love me. I’m a hell of a person. A person who is so unfortunate that even his mom couldn’t afford (read bother) loving him.
What? Did I say something wrong? Nope. I didn’t. Let me tell you the truth.
Until now, I’ve kept on lying that I lost her in an accident. But that whole thing is a BIG LIE.
She abandoned me and committed suicide. Yep. She did. But, I don’t hate her. She would have had her reasons but what I do think sometimes is, who abandons (read ditches) her only child who was merely a toddler then?
Let me explain my current situation to you in a way I prefer.
Sometimes you go through a lot of pain in your life. But, it’s just that you keep that pain buried somewhere in you heart. And then when you’re alone, you just remove it for sometime and motivate yourself and cherish memories and again keep it back safely, somewhere in your heart. Then, there’s a point in your life when you don’t feel like talking about you pain. You just want to keep it within you. You stay away from everyone and don’t even try to get close as you are afraid of getting burnt. Whenever someone asks you if you are okay, you just say yes, without even making an eye contact. You become a sort of cold-blooded and stone-hearted kind of person. You feel that your pain isn’t worth sharing. You become heartless. And THAT makes you, a “Broken Heart.”
This is my situation as of now. I have a hell lot of friends (read fake friends) who are there with me, not for what “I” am but for what “mine” is. It’s my sincere request to them all to LEAVE. Please, I repeat, LEAVE! I need nobody. I can take well care of myself. That’s what life has taught me.
Most importantly, I’m not a wish granting, dream fulfilling, use-me kind of machine. You know I always know who’s “WHO” but yet, I pretend that I know nothing of them. I behave rationally with them.
If you are reading this, now you know that I’m going through 50 shades of pain. So, do me a favor. LEAVE.
And don’t be sorry for whatever you’ve done to me. All this time it was “I” letting “You” do all that harm to me.
Now it’s enough for me to take.
You think like i’m exaggerating? Well, walk in my shoes and if you get this far as I, you’re free to say anything you feel like. I know you can’t or you won’t.
I don’t need anymore fakers in my life, I’ve seen enough of them. Probably, many shades of them too.