June 2nd

12:23 PM.

Dear Diary,

A very good afternoon to you. Today’s morning unlike other days, was somewhat more pleasant one. It’s not that something auspicious happened to me but i felt that way.

While I was still in the bed, early in the morning somewhere around 6:00 AM, Raj came to me and said that he was in a hurry and had to go somewhere. He asked me to feed TIGER. Perfectly fine.

Then after a few hours ~10:55 AM Didi came to me and asked that have you fed Tiger?

Then i decided it is the time I should walk out of bed now. Which, of course, I did.

Went straight up to the kitchen. Dough-ed up the floor and made 4 chapatis. Nah. Not for myself.

Then i remember that I have no cash in my wallet as i am a spendthrift kind of person who is not very sensible when it comes to spending money and generally keep my money in the ATM.

I called up Raj and told him about the same to which he said take some from my Piggy Bank and get buttermilk for tiger.

I went up to the shop in the scorching sun. Trust me, this is the thing which i hate the most. Going every morning out in the not-so-friendlky sun and fetching buttermilk for tiger.

I came back, gave him the food and commanded him to go and eat that. But he didn’t react to that.

Then i pampered him a little and he started eating. Awww! It melt my heart.

I hadn’t brushed yet. So went on to do that and came back.

I have had no breakfast till now, even now I haven’t put a single piece of meal into my mouth.

Seriously, see my life. I have so much money that I can buy the whole hotel but still I hardly eat once a day.

Okay. Leave that sad part. Let’s talk about the happy part.

When i checked my phone once i came back from the bathroom there were a few texts from Ishu. My happiness knew no bounds. I immediately responded. Only to find out that she was offline. This time too. Don’t know how many times have i told her that please don’t switch off your mobile data only if she listened.

Then i came back to my bed and switched on my laptop and decided to write the journal as it gets way more stressful to write about the whole day in the evening.

I had only wrote a few paragraphs then i got a reply of the text from her.

Below is the summary of the conversation we had :-

Nick – I miss you ???

She – Miss you too. ???

Nick – Baby ???

She – Why are you crying.

Nick – I am not even able to talk to you.

She – What shall I do then.

What it should have been like :-

Nick – I miss you ???

She – I miss you too baby. ???

Nick – Baby ???

She – Why are you crying? What happened. I am there with you.

Nick – I am not even able to talk to you.

She – Baby i love you so much. But due to circumstances we are bound like that.

Don’t worry. I am by your side. Everything will just be fine.

And yeah, at that very moment i spiraled down the edge. All my feelings, emotions were like they have been whiplashed. I didn’t know what to say then so, i simply said, “Nice reply ??”

She probably sensed that I was hurt and said, “Sorry”. Just this much. No words of love. Alright! I take it. It’s the way my life has always been.

After a couple of other texts i thought i should tell her that how my life is going on. And texted her how i felt then.

She said, “Oo Great!”. Again a slap right into my face.

Seriously, the way my life is going on nowadays. I don’t wanna live even a single second of this life.

I am so messed up. The girl whom i look up to be there for me whenever i am feeling low. Breaks me apart. Most of the times.

So today, I decided that I will share my feelings only and only to you, my dear diary. You’re one good soul. No more crying about my life in front of anyone. Not even her.

Many a times I think is she worth it? The insane amount of care which i give to her. I mean just think.

• She has never ever made me feel special
• She is always ready to pick a fight and leave me in midst of it.
• She cares, but I never felt like she does.
• Once i met with an accident. She never even bothered to call. If i would have been her. I would have left no stone unturned until I was convinced that she was fine.
• She picked up a serious fight with me just for some stranger Pankaj Khandelwal.
• Whenever she chats with me the replies are never instant. Because she has other friends to chat with.

But what happens in this world is not always favorable to you. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to care. Just because she is new to this whole new love struck world.

Whatever happens, whatever may the circumstances be like. I will love her. Always.

I have told her not to accept the friend requests of unknown people. Only if she was aware of what it could lead to. But, I din’t insist as again she would say, “It’s my personal life.”. I just want her to be happy. Whatever may be the cost of it.

Back then, when i had asked for password from her. She reacted like i had asked her life. Only if she knew that what i had in my mind. Dear diary, I’ll tell you why i did so. But, I won’t ever again ask for such things from her as she means the world to me and i just can’t afford to lose her. I never wanna hurt her. Not even in my dreams.

Okay so here is why i asked for her password :-

There is a girl named Simran Singh. One of my best buddies. From Delhi. She was just new to this Facebook stuff and was often very excited about this. She just waited as when she would get a request from anyone and she will click that confirm button. Everything was going on fine. She was one good soul. Very funny and a smiler. One fine day, she got a message on Facebook from some unknown guy, he was her friend on Facebook. The message basically said that, “Hey, I like you. Would you be my girlfriend?”. She was no fool. Even she knew how the boys are nowadays. They keep craving just for mere body needs. So, she said she was not interested in any friendship with him. But, that guy kept pestering her time and again. She blocked him. But as if he would stop. He created a new account. Messaged her again. At that time one could send you messages directly on Facebook. It appeared right in you Inbox. Now we have the option to disable this. After a few months she received an photoshopped image of her which she posted on Facebook. We all now that hot pants and mini skirts are no big deal in New Delhi. But only difference was, this image of her’s was very nicely photoshopped with the hot pants removed. And now that mean low life started blackmailing her. She did what anyone would do, Deleted her Facebook account. And she was saved. Good for her that the guy was from some other place. And didn’t know the whereabouts of her. She didn’t even tell her parents about her due to the fear of embarrassment.

What happened here is not so alarming as she didn’t have any harmful impacts of that incident. Just that, she started living as an introvert and lost that smiling face of her. Never mind, she recovered later. Thanks to her close friends who were there for her. I was also one of them ?. I keep browsing the Internet the whole time. So, I have read a few news snippets that show how some some person, mostly girls, became victims to the Adult network. These people save their images. Photoshop them. Submit them to the Adult advertising networks like TrafficJunky.

So, due to all of this I never wanted any of such thing to even touch her. Not even around her. God forbid, but just imagine. Incase something of that sort happens. Will she be able to face it. Will she be able to handle the embarrassment? Whole society will treat her like as if she is not from the Earth. As far as I am concerned, I will always be there for her. Even if the whole world is against her. She would feel as happy as she was earlier because i am there for her. Shielding her. From any of the dirty hands of this cruel world.

But, I don’t want her to be sad or lost. Not even for a millisecond. That is why I asked for her password. Tell me Diary, Was I wrong in doing so? If you were at my place you would even do the same. Right? But she thought I want to interfere in her personal life. Baby, only if you knew all of this. I respect you. I respect your choices. By no means I would attempt to interfere or debate on your choices or in your personal matters.

That day, I was literally shattered into a gazillion of pieces. Still, I gathered up all my courage and tried to put on a smiling face.

Oh girl! Only if you knew how much I love you? But of course, this world is not a wish granting factory where your every wish comes true.

It’s 2:51 PM and i still haven’t ate a single piece of bread.

Raj came, made food for himself. Ate and went back. Good going brother. Keep it up!

I am feeling sleepy right now. So i am gonna grab some sleep. And I won’t be eating until dinner.

See you later Diary. Love you ?

8:10 PM

Good evening dear. So let’s resume the story of my life. So as I said I was gonna grab some sleep back then i did so. While I was lying on my bed, still awake, i heard the ring of my phone. It was my brother Ankush (Nksh) from New Delhi. He is very ambitious about some fitness website and I had offered him my help.

So, goodbye sleep. See you later. I switched on my Laptop once again and got back to work.

A few hours later I hear a knock on my door. Raj had returned from his classes and came to check up on Tiger.

Few more moments later he came asking to me if I had my food. To which I said No. I was honest.

He said what a fool I am. That I can’t even have food on time. I was like, “Yeah, moron, you ate whatever was left. Went to your college. Didn’t even give a shit If i had eaten by then  or not. And now you are being all caring that you can. Please, bugger off.”

But I didn’t say a word. I just said I wasn’t hungry. So he went back to his room to sleep.

Then I decided to go for a walk as I was already feeling very sore. So, put my laptop in sleep mode. Picked up my iPhone and as I was walking out of the bed. I see an incoming call from a contact, Pari (My angel) ?

I was so overwhelmed. Called her back in an instant.

I was so happy that I didn’t even know of what to say. Yet, I carried on.

Inside of me I was dying to say her the things like. I love you baby. I wanna hug you right now. Wanna kiss you and all. But don’t know why I sensed that something wasn’t right. It maybe her or maybe me. But something was wrong.

To which i said Ishu you seem like you’ve changed recently. Again, she took it in the wrong sense. Fuck my life.

In the afternoon only I had decided that I won’t share any of my personal feelings with her. But, I have this weakness. I love her so much that I can’t stop myself from doing anything but loving her.

Then after some time she disconnected the call. I felt sad. I always wish that our calls should continue till forever.

Anyways, I decide to get some fresh air so walked out of the room and went for a walk. Pleasant evening it was.

After I came back from the walk Raj insisted that I should go out with him in order to take take Tiger out for a walk.

We went on a walk together. I was feeling nice by then. Somewhat nice. Not perfectly fine.

Then while we were coming back. Raj was telling me about the proposal offers that he had received from the girls. He said that he has been on a hold for some time but now he will dive into this bodily pleasure. Why am i being so cryptic. It’s my diary. Let me be more open.

He said that he will start having sex with the girls and start dumping them. Like he did in the past.

I was like, “Wait, What the fuck man! Are you serious?”. He says, “Yes”.

He said, “Only if you won’t tell Anushree about all of these fiascos”. I said, “Your life brother. You rule.” I won’t blurt out a single word.

I have some sort of sympathy with that girl. Weird kind of attachment. Just because she told me about her past an other stuffs. Earlier I used to go all nuts whenever Raj did some sort of stuffs like this. But now I have came to know that he is not worth it. All those words fall flat on his ears. So what is the benefit in telling him that this is wrong. I just feel sorry for the girl. So loyal, nice and caring she is. But alas, right girl in wrong hands. This is life anyways.

So let’s continue. He also offered me to introduce me with some of the girls. He says, “Why are you all crazy after Yukti. Can’t you see she doesn’t give a shit about you. Leave her and let’s have fun.”. No. Thanks. I said.

Eventually we came back home and I came back to finish writing my diary which I had left. Then he calls for me again.

This time there is a message from some married aunty. With whom he has had sex with. I don’t know what her name is. He says, “I wanna fuck her once again. I mean, it is running in my mind since a long time. Promise me that you won’t tell anyone.”

I said, “Nope. I won’t say a word”. Overwhelmed with this answer he asked, “Do you wanna have sex with this woman. I can introduce you both.”

I was like, “Raj. Please. For God’s sake. Stop.”. Well at least stop telling me about these things. You go fuck whatever number of girls you want. Do whatever number of aunties you wanna do. I just don’t care because you’re one lost cause.

While I was writing this diary. He came to me and asked. “Will you cook?”. I was like vanish from here before i break your neck with something. To which he laughed and said. Alright. I’ll cook tonight.

Relieved.

That’s what I had to write about today. But wait, I am not sleeping yet. A lot can happen by then.

So, I will see you later Diary. Until then, Goodbye 🙂

1:00 AM – June 3rd

Hey Diary, I promised to get back to you once something memorable happened to me.

Well, see? My life is so happening. It is the incident of the time before I had dinner.

Raj came running into my room and while he was still panting. He asked me, “What is the spelling of Bathroom?”. I was not shocked as he is literally very weak at english. Forget english he doesn’t even knows who to transliterate Hindi into English, which we call as Hinglish.

I didn’t know what he was up to till the time i sneaked a glance at his phone. That aunty I told you about. He was chatting to her.

Now what I am about to write is gonna be the most alarming of all. He was asking for some dirty pictures of her. He was requesting her to snap herself by going into the bathroom and forward him those A rated images. He came to know that I was aware of this heinous act of him.

Now, just think, what will happen to that girl, Anushree, when she comes to know about this act of him. Well I am not gonna tell her. But karma is a bitch. It will surely bite him back. Sooner or later.

He then asked me, “Am I doing something wrong? You won’t tell anyone. Right?”. Yeah buddy. Right. I won’t tell anyone. What is the outcome of telling anyone about this. You are never gonna change. You are just a lost cause. I said, “Na bhaai tu kuch galat nahi kar raha hai. Hindustani dil kehta hai aur dikhao aur dikhao. Aur dekh. Jee na bhare to net pe dekh lena“.

From the inside I was so pained. But, “Jab miya or biwi raazi. To kya karega kaazi“.

I fail to understand what is the outcome of all of this. He is gonna bring such a shame to his family if anyone finds out about his deeds. I have tried to save him from doing these things many a times. But he keeps falling prey to this world of lust. Whatever. Leave it.

I waited for the message of the girl I love this whole time. But no response from her. She might be sleeping now. I love you Ishu. I love you so much. Wish I could come to you, hug you close to me and say that, “Hey beautiful. I love you so much.”. Goodnight my princess. I miss the good night kiss which we used to exchange. Anyways. Leave it. She also loves me the same. Just the circumstances are not so favorable. I can’t wait to marry you sweet heart. I wanna make you mine and then I will scream out loud to the whole world that you are mine. Now try and separate me from her. Oh girl! I miss you so much.

It’s 1:18 AM and i guess I should sleep now. Nah. I will watch The Vampire Diaries.

Goodnight Dad. Goodnight Ishu. Goodnight Diary.

See you all tomorrow.

With Love

Nick