Where Have I Come

Where do the broken hearts go? That’s what I’m wondering right now.

Hello there! If you came here all by yourself then I’m sure you know me well and sure as hell it makes me happy to see that someone is there who really cares about me. Please leave your name in the comments below as whenever I see this post next time I get to know about you. But, probably this is gonna be my last post on this blog of mine.

If you are just a random visitor, let me introduce myself to you.

So, hello my random friend! It’s good to see you. I’m a lost cause whom people know of as Niraj a.k.a Nick. I’m probably the worst person you’ll ever find in the entire homo sapiens race. You can say I’m the messenger of the Devil himself. I’m extremely selfish, wearing a devil may care attitude and an introvert of them all.

I’m not saying this all by myself but this is what I am to world. From the inside I was someone else, I was something else. Yes, I was. But my friend, what happens is, when someone keeps on forcing you to accept something of which you don’t agree a bit, eventually, you just let go and accept it. Well, this is exactly the fact in my case.

Ever happened that you feel as if the world world is crashing for you and the ground on which you are standing is about to blow up any second? I don’t know about you but this is happening to me. I am feeling as if i lost my battle of life, I lost everything.

They say, you can’t live without food for 10 days, without water for maybe 3-4 days, without air for maybe some minutes? But they never say anything about hope. According to me, you can’t live a single moment without hope. Until today, I was always the one cheering other people up by saying this like, this will eventually be over, keep smiling, let go of whatever is hurting you.

What’s hurting to me is my life. I’m not sure if I want to go a step further now. I am failing to explain to myself that why should I keep on moving. What should I live for?

The reason behind this whole fiasco? Well, there isn’t any one specific reason but there’s a hell lot of them.

I never let any problem worry me too much as I believed in letting go of whatever bad has happened and kept moving on.

But, today I realised that maybe I’ve lost too much. In fact I have never gained anything in my life. All I have ever gained is defeat.

Despite it all, I always moved around with a happy face, smiling, never letting others know of what I am going through. I always kept on putting efforts in make everyone happy, I never thought of what this habit of mine could do to me.

I’ve lost people who meant world to me, still I was doing fine. There were such a few friendships which were only there for sake of their own good, their personal benefits, I was aware of these things whole time but I said, Nevermind to myself and behaved as if everything was normal.

All life has done with me is taking away all the things that make me happy. In childhood, I lost my mother, which was a bit too much to take at that time but I never really showed that pain of mine to anyone. Not even my parents. You can say, I didn’t even let myself feel THAT pain.

One of my weaknesses is, I get attached to people very easily and that attachment isn’t a superficial one but a deeper one. People take advantage of that and use me for their own good and when they’re done with me, they just let go. So, basically i’m an impersonation of a toilet paper.

There comes a time if everyone’s life when they start looking for someone special, someone with whom they could share their worst nightmares and their darkest fears. I was also one amongst many. Looking for a girl basically. I found one, at the starting it was all rainbows and unicorns but then I realised that I meant shit to her.

I lie to people that I don’t have a many friends but I have some who can do anything for me. Yes, I lie about it. The sad reality is, I don’t have any REAL friend. The one whom I can trust my secrets with. Irony is, I have no such friend but I am one such friend. You don’t try to be like me.

All this mean world will ever do is use you for their own goods and you don’t want that. Coz that pain, which you feel after you’re hurt is the worst of them all. I can’t describe it. But will try to elaborate it.

There are two different kinds of pain. The one which you feel when you get hit by something and the one which you feel when you’re hurt from inside, like, when your sentiments are broken or when someone has backstabbed you.

The thing with first kind of pain is, it subsides, not at once but gradually it does. So, it’s a kind of momentary pain.

The other kind of pain is the worst. It never goes away. It lays there, hibernating in your subconscious, haunting you every now and then. This is what the real pain is.

And the thing about pain is, it demands to be felt. You can’t escape from it. You may find temporary distractions which will only postpone it to feast on you sometime later.

There is only one thing in the world which can cure or ease such kind of pain. That is, Love. I have been defeated there too. Yeah, FML.

Everything was at it’s painful best then there comes a person, the one who understand you the way you are. You can’t fake your smile in front of her. If you do so, you’ll be caught, easily. She understands your fears, your desires, the entire you.

She’s kind of person that you can only fantasize of but never get to see in real realm. I was lucky enough to have more than a rendezvous with her. I was lucky enough to fall in love with her. And I’m lucky enough to love her, until the day I die. With purest of my feelings and with nicest of care. She’s the only girl I will ever be in love with.

When she came into my life, it was a mere coincidence. I saw her as a ray of hope rather than some other girl.

We have same likes, same dislikes and to add more to it, we have same instincts too. We’ve same messed up past. You can say, she is I. My mirror, to be precise.

I want to be with her, so badly, for an eternity but as my luck or life would have it, I can’t. She’s with someone else, who cares a lot for her, understands her. You know what happens when you’re in love? You can never see anything bad happening to THAT other person. So, I’m happy for her. I really am.

I am saddened with my life and fate. Am I so bad? Until today, I never gave a damn about what others think of me. But after being hurt every now and then, I’ve started wondering about it.

There is some fault in me for sure, Why is everyone so eager to leave me? Am I not a keeper?

Is it bad If you try to bring good to someone? What is wrong with me? I fail to understand.

Why is it that, you try to do the good yet you’re the bad one, always?

I don’t find this life of mine worth living anymore. That’s why I am disappeared from many virtual places at once.

I’m like a grenade and at some point of time, I’m gonna blow up, as my pin is already lost somewhere.

So, I want to minimize the casualties when I blow up. Hence, the distance from you all.

It’s not that I will start being selfish from today. You’ll always remember me as the person I always was, trying to make you smile in the times of despair.

Jeete jee tera ho saka na, Marke haq adaa kar chalaa…

…Too good to be true.

Goodbye!

– Nick