To be or not to be?

Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more!

This is what happens in many relationships. Doesn’t it?

Today we will be talking about a guy named Chris. So, let me describe him first.

He’s an average looking guy with a keen taste in music. He has a strong hold on his studies and was among the scholars of his class.

Everything is going nice and slow for him. His parents are too proud of him, teachers can be seen praising him in front of their colleagues.

Chris is in 10th grade as of now. Time flies by and now it is the time for school’s annual day. Like every modern school nowadays, Chris’s school also had it’s own rock band.

As you know from the above context he is very much inclined towards music. So, he tries to take part in the events of the band.

As you all know, there is a thing called proper channel in almost every school. You have to follow that in order to get anything done.

According to his school’s proper channel he first had to approach his seniors to ask them if there was any place vacant for him, then he would have to get his name registered by approaching the music in-charge. After going through all this, he finally got enrolled in this year’s band group.

The school in which he was studying didn’t have a dedicated music teacher. The teacher was hired on an contract whenever there was any special function in the school which had the band involved.

So, this time also the school hires a music teacher from the city. Let’s call him, Stefan.

Annual day was now hardly a month away. The band had to prepare 5 songs. 3 of them had Chris involved. There used to be dedicated practice hours for all the participants of the function. The classes were excused for them.

Am I drifting? Maybe. Please keep reading. Things are about to get interesting now.

The band under the guidance of Chris’s seniors started practicing the songs. They put in a lot of effort as they wanted the crowd to go GAGA when they performed on the final day.

The music teacher (Stefan) was very friendly to them. He used to treat the band members as friends rather than taking them as his students.

There were many students from different grades in the band. All this time long they had to keep a check on themselves as they didn’t wanna piss off their seniors. But as time passed and practice sessions started getting longer they came closer to each other.

Now let’s take them as friends rather than seniors & juniors. After these practices going on for a few days the band decided to take a break for one day and they’ll celebrate the day together as friends.

The music teacher proposed the idea of a get together at his house where they would Jam and have lunch together.

It was a beautiful cloudy day. As planned they met at Stefan’s house and had a memorable moment.

Next day, after having their meals the band was rehearsing in the afternoon. This is when the music teacher came. But this time, he was not alone, along with him was a girl. Let’s call her Sam.

She would be in her mid 20’s. She had a tanned complexion. But all of this had nothing to do with the band members.

As usual they practiced with Stefan as their mentor.

This girl with whom Stefan came had a very melodious voice. She sang so well that all the pores in one’s ears got aroused.

Days passed and now she regularly accompanied Stefan to Chris’s school. Next day was Sunday and this time too the band decided to take a break. The venue of the get together was at Sam’s home.

Chris was a bit shy as prior to this he had no female interaction or rendezvous. Anyhow, he went to her home next day.

The band members were having fun, jamming at some of their songs, Chris being the youngest was sitting on a sofa in the corner of the room, silently observing their actions.

A few hours later, an other girl came into the room. We’ll be calling her as Nancy. She appeared to be of the same age group as of Chris. She was Sam’s sister.

This girl caught the attention of Chris’s eyes. She was too chatty. Upon approaching the band members Nancy introduced herself and said Hi to everyone.

After a few more hours the band decided to leave for their respective homes. Chris also came home.

All this time long he has only been thinking about Nancy. The way she talked, the way she smiled. That lustre in her eyes, the way they gleamed.

As time passed the visits to Sam’s home started being more frequent. The seniors of the band were accompanied by Chris every time as he never missed an opportunity of getting a glance of Nancy.

The seniors talked and spent time with Sam while Chris sat there and watched them. All this time the had only one hope that when will Nancy come and he’ll get to see her.

Time flied. Nancy & Chris being of the same age group started getting a bit closer.

They were good friends by now. Nancy was of a very friendly nature. She used to tease Chris whenever he acted shy.

He developed some sort of special connection with her. She used to be in his mind all day long. In the classes he used to think about her, about their conversations. While on bed he used to think of her.

Chris is in his early teenage,was too young too dumb to realize about what love is. In fact, this thing, “Love”, was like a whole new world to him.

After a few weeks it is the big day, Annual Day. The band performs and literally sets stage on fire. Stefan, Sam & Nancy also came to see the function. Upon seeing Nancy there Chris was filled with an unknown radiance.

After his performance, Chris along with the seniors of the band stood with the three visitors. From the corner of his eyes, Chris was looking at Nancy, admiring her silently.

He could also see his fellow mates checking her out. This made him feel jealous. He had something special in the corner of his heart for her and that special thing was responsible for this envy. He felt as if someone ate a part of his favorite chocolate.

Annual day is over and now is the time for winter break. After the break is over school reopens and classes resume. Not it is time for 10th boards, these exams hold a very important place in one’s life.

Classes resume and everyone is busy in preparing for their exams. The visits to Nancy’s home are not that frequent now. But every Sunday Chris paid a visit to her home for sure.

Nancy had her board exams too, she was also busy in the preparations. After a few months now it is time for the boards. Both of them (Nancy & Chris) studied together as they were in the same grade. During these study hours many a times they cracked jokes, watched some song’s video or went out for a stroll in order to refresh themselves.

After exam session Chris used to call Nancy to ask how her exams went. This was just an excuse Chris used to give himself. But in real, he got to talk to her & hear her voice.

Every passing day he starts getting attached to her. All this time long Nancy is unaware of what is going in in Chris’s mind. She just considered him as a good friend.

Board exams are finally over any they are now in 11th grade. Nancy was of a very open nature, she used to share almost everything that crossed her mind while Chris was there with her. Even about how she and her friends (female) decided to watch porn and have drinks for the first time.

Many a times Chris thought of telling her how he felt about her. But he was too afraid to lose her, forever. So, whenever he thought of telling her about his feelings this fear of losing her made him mum.

A few months later, Nancy starts telling Chris about a boy she is seeing. How handsome and cute he is. They way girls go crazy for him. Chris just smiles whenever the topic of discussion is that boy and tries to convince Nancy that boys like this keep on changing girls whenever they like.

Upon hearing this Nancy teases her by saying that you are feeling jealous. But our dumb Chris, gathering up all his confidence beams up and says, “What do I care? It’s your life. You can be with whoever you want.”.

But from the inside he could see his love drifting away from her. He hated that guy, This hate became so strong that he would react in a very weird manner whenever Nancy said anything about that guy.

Just imagine how would it feel to have your love smothered in front of you. Such was the plight of Chris.

After a few more days, Nancy tells him that she is in a relationship with that guy. This breaks Chris’s heart from the inside.

As a result of which, he stops seeing Nancy. He loved her so much that even his phone’s password was her name. Everywhere in his textbooks, there were initials of letters C & N written intertwined into each other as if they are together. His personal diary was full on the fantasies he had for her.

So many plans he had for them, all of this was put to the curb.

Had he told her about how he cared for her, then, maybe, she would be with him instead of that guy.

Heartbroken by this incident, he starts to think that there is no such thing as love. Whom can we hold responsible for this incident. None but Chris.

1 year later :-

Chris moves out of the city and goes to some other place in order to pursue his studies. Luckily he has many of his friends from his previous school living in this city. So, it wasn’t that hard for him to accommodate & settle down at this new place.

Nancy’s vision is now completely out of his mind, In fact, he is happy for her that she found someone who is perfect for her.

At this new place, Chris tries to stay focused on the aim which brought him here, in this new city. He joins a coaching academy in order to get an upper hand in his studies. From the very beginning Chris is of a very helpful nature, so, he used to help his fellow mates with their studies with the best of his knowledge.

Among his classmates is a girl, let’s call her Caroline. She is a very nice & simple girl. With not so hippie kind of attitude. She hardly spoke to anyone or ever laughed by heart. But she was a silent observer.

She used to observe Chris, the way he used to help others, the way he used to express his views, agreement or disagreement over some matter. The way he was able to influence a group of people. All these Chris’s qualities made her notice him even more.

Gradually she developed an affection for him. You can say that in this case Caroline is Chris from the previous case. She start loving her secretly. She felt jealous of her other female friends who used to hangout with Chris.

It was some college function that day. Chris was there with his fellow classmate, Claire. After a few minutes Caroline came and joined them. They were having random talks, making fun of other people. Or you can simply say, were enjoying the moment.

It was hard for Caroline to digest the fact that Chris was talking with another girl (Claire) and she was not getting the attention she should. Anyhow, she tolerates her being with him. Now the college function is over and they(all three of them) decided to walk to their respective homes as it was not that far away.

Caroline was leading the way followed by Chris & Claire together. In the beginning of their homewards journey the distance between three of them was not that much noticeable. But, after a few minutes Caroline could be seen far ahead from both of them. She was walking with haste.

Chris sends Claire for her but she starts ranting at Claire. Claire feels offended and tells her to go to hell and comes back to Chris. Both of them continue their walk to their respective homes.

In the evening Chris calls Caroline and tells her that it wasn’t the right thing which she did back in the noon. To which she starts shouting at him. Telling him what kind of girl Claire is. Remembering and narrating all the bad things that she could of her.

Chris recognizes that behavior as the way Caroline was reacting was very similar to the way he had reacted when Nancy told him about that guy. He asks Caroline, “Why do you care? If I be with some other girl why do you feel jealous?”. Chris knows answers to these questions already but wanted to hear it out from her mouth.

Caroline confesses her feelings about him, not that day but a few weeks later. Chris told her that he needs some time to process this. He didn’t wanna break anyone’s heart as he already knows what is it like to be hurt, what is the intensity of that pain. Because he has been there, felt that.

Chris is not sure if he can be in this relationship as Caroline is such a sweet & innocent heart. He would never ever want to hurt her. After days of thinking and discussing it with some of the closest of his friends he decides that he can’t be in this relationship as it won’t work in the long run.

Caroline was such a girl that even if someone cracked a joke on her, her eyes would swell. She was not like all of the modern girls. She was, simple, sweet & innocent. And Chris didn’t want to be the one to take away his innocence.

He approaches her and explains everything to her in detail for she shouldn’t feel the ways Chris felts when she lost Nancy. He makes her understand that she deserves someone better than him. She understands and is quite happy that Chris didn’t opt for a materialistic relationship. They both end up being close friends. Don’t even dare think of it as a friend zone as both of them had already removed the cellophane sheets obstructing the views.

Now, let’s move on to the last episode of this story.

Chris is now in this late teenage. Like every other boy of his age he also yearns for a partner. But he doesn’t want a temporary relationship. He wants it to be eternal, to be forever.

After some months he finally settles with a girl, Christina. From the very beginning he had many plans for his partner, how he would surprise her, love her unconditionally make her feel the most special and luckiest girl in the world.

Chris is damn serious about her, so damn serious that he even tells his family about her. His cousins can be seen teasing him whenever they get the opportunity.

At first Christina is not so serious about this relationship but for Chris this was the love of his life. He never ever could think of losing her. He ignored many of her flaws as he knew that no one is perfect in this world.

He didn’t want to change anyone as he had not right to do so, all he wanted was her to improve.

Christina was the first real love of Chris’s life. He wanted to live this beautiful feeling called Love.

There are many times when both of them would have fight over some issue. Christina has this attitude of letting go off the things. For example, whenever there used to be a fight  between them, she would leave or she would go offline, power off her cellphone as if this relationship had no importance to her.

She would talk to the boys who are well known for using and throwing the girls. You know that when you have attachment with someone you’ll feel bad if he/she is doing something wrong. But this was a greater form of attachment, this was love. He lashed out on her regarding this matter asked her to stop talking with those jerks as one day you’ll have nothing but repentance.

The reply which he got was shocking of all, “It’s my personal life and you have no right to interfere into it.”. Fuck man! Seriously? This thing hit him like a thunderbolt.

He didn’t sleep that night. His eyes were all watery. Chris decides that from now on he won’t talk to her. He wanted to call it off. But as LOVE would have it. He couldn’t hold himself for any more than 3-4 hours.

He started calling her cellphone only to find out that all his calls were left unattended. 145 times he had dialed her number that night.

Chris consoles by telling himself that she is full of trifle. He talks to her writes almost 4 pages about what he wants from her. How he feels about her. Christina promises that she won’t ever repeat the same. Her promise lasted only for 2 short days.

She never initiated a conversation in the entire term of their 8 months relationship. She would only give responses to the questions which he used to ask. Her answers included, “Yes”, “No”m “Okay” & “Hmm”.

These incidents started repeating every 15-20 days. She would commit some mistake, and wouldn’t admit it. They would have a fight and as always she used to leave as if she didn’t give a damn. Chris, as he was so in love with her, tried to cheer her up, would again explain her everything, hoping that maybe she’ll change.

She changed, only for 2-3 days & then, back to square one. Chris felt that this relationship was demeaning the essence of Love. It made Love appear as some sort of torture instead of affection.

He didn’t want to be in this relationship anymore. As,

Once you lose a person it is never the same person who comes back to you.

Chris didn’t want the relationship to continue as he can’t just play along. He wanted to give her all of his love or none.

He was suffocating in this relationship. All his words and tears fell flat on Christina. So, he finally decides to end this torture.

He let go of Christina. Roamed around with a sulky face for a few weeks but eventually realized that she was not worth all this attention, care & affection.

It is so hard to find someone who really respects and reciprocates the love which you give to the another person. It is very hard to find a person who loves you back the same way that you do.

But Chris belief in Love is undeterred. He still believes that maybe one day he’ll find the love of his life. And that will be the most beautiful day of his and that special someone’s life.

As, all Chris has ever known is to LOVE, unconditionally.

P.S: These stories are not a work of fiction but are based on real life incidents in my life. Few incidents are modified in order to blend in with the story. The character Chris is me (Nick), still waiting for some special lady to come and love me unconditionally.

Was my decision to leave Christina right? What’s your say on it. If you read all of it please tell me about how you felt in the comments as it will surely motivate me. Have something to say? Most welcome (criticism accepted).

Love you, for all your time and patience that you spared for this “Nacheez” ??

Nick